Day 33 - I Miss Home

I've been really lax this past month. I just pass each day attending class, sightseeing, attending club activities, reading online comics, watching anime, playing my DS, visiting online forums, chatting through MSN and maybe do some chores when I feel like it. See a pattern? Maybe the kid doing psychology can easily read them, if he even still reads this blog.

So here's my deduction and explanation of my recent self. I'm homesick. Every action I've taken so far except attending lectures is a reenactment of my life from December 2008 to August 2009. The following is a comparison between my life now and then.

Sightseeing in Dublin <=> Sightseeing in Penang
Attending club activities <=> Working at Coral/Hanging out with friends
Online comics, anime, DS <=> Online comics, anime, DS, PS2
Online forums and chatting <=> Online forums and chatting
Chores in apartment in Dublin <=> Chores back home in Penang

See? Everything I've done up to now is loosely based on what I do back home in Penang. Furthermore, my desperate search for otakus in Dublin is so they can be the "Kazuki group" in Dublin. In other words, I'm trying to recreate my Penang life here. Whenever someone asked me how life was in Dublin, I could always reply "Same as Malaysia. Just colder." It's because I've done so many things to keep them the same. And it was all done subconsciously. I was never aware of the motives behind my daily activities until just moments ago.

Having resolved to not look back after leaving, my subconscious sought another way to express my homesickness. I thought it was strange I did not even feel like saying "I miss home" like a lot of my friends did. I thought it was because my resolve was still strong, but I learned that there are only three reasons you don't feel homesick:

1. Your home sucked
2. You're a heartless person who easily forgets your roots
3. You never left home

And mine is a variation of 3. What's to miss if nothing's different? My parents are online often enough to make sure that I see them almost everyday. And I have N5S forums for Pikaby. And I unconsciously erase anything that is different.

But now that I am consciously aware, the homesickness is taking over very fast.

Why am I suddenly aware? Because my mind just discovered a difference that it cannot erase. Studying. I have not touched a teaching material in 9 months. This change is significant and impossible to wipe away from my awareness unless I don't study, but I can't do that now, can I?

Studying has also made me realise something else. The time till the end of this term feels both very short and very long. Looking at my daily life, I feel that summer will come very fast. But when I look at my syllabus, I feel like just this semester will go on for years. So right now, my sense of time is completely messed up. Every time I look at my watch, I get a almost no reaction to the passing of time. Fast? Slow? I don't know anymore.

One last thing about my studies. I'm in trouble. And it's not because I haven't studied. Just by looking at what I have to study, I can already feel that it's impossible for me to repeat the feats I performed for all my previous exams. Even at my best, scoring an 'A' for any of the subjects sounds terribly difficult. In fact, I feel immensely pressured even thinking about it. Frankly, I really regret picking this subject.

But I'm not backing out yet. I should be able to complete this course, just not with flying colours. If you know me well enough, you should know that I'm a perfectionist in exams. I'm happy if I see 'A's, but even when I get an 'A', I still pick on myself for having wrong answers. The only reason I hate this subject now is because I see no chance for me to get an 'A' in anything. That's all.

Don't worry. I will graduate as a doctor. But be prepared to see results only slightly better than my AS exams.

Oh, I haven't said a thing about what I did today. Actually, thinking was all I did today. I was too panicked to do anything until a few minutes before this post. And thinking things out helped me calm down.